blue

I've been in a blue funk.

The last few months have wore me down. I lost both my grandma and grandpa two weeks apart within the last month. They lived long lives and it was time, but still... I think watching my mom endure all that was all kinds of yucky too. She would return from her stays with them and talk about when her time comes and what she wanted me to do. Yuck! Just not something I want to have to think about. Then Jeff leaving on a plane to Canada after the whole Air France tweaked my last nerve. That threw me into a "what if" phase...

what if I have a stroke...what if I'm having a heart attack...what if I have subclavian steel syndrome...what if I have breast cancer...what if I have a hernia...what if I get skin cancer...what if...what if...what if...what if...blah...blah...blah... sheesh.... so sick of it... Of course typing medical reports for patients with AIDS, whose immune systems are complete toast so they contract everything, does not help my frame of mind.

Oh...and lets not forget to mention this past weekend. It was fully packed with all the in-laws. ALL OF THEM. Remember them. There was a huge bat mitzvah. This created a lot of stress for me. Yes, sad, but true.

then Kid... that hit me hard and it was odd that it hit me harder than when I lost Pebbles. Jeff mentioned probably because it came so quick. Pebbles was gradual. I would cry off and on as I watched her through the year, but Kid...one day I took her to the vet and the next day I had to say goodbye.

So, right now I'm trying hard to scrape my way out of all the yuckiness. The doctor prescribed Valium, but I'm such a freak I won't take it. I'd rather find someone to talk with. Thankfully, the doctor complimented me by saying I have the ability to step outside and reason with myself. So thats a good thing right?